You may not be for everyone but you sure are for you

You may not be for everyone but you sure are for you. 

Throughout the years of learning and understanding energy work I have been able to awaken to so much in my personal life. I share this story with you in hopes to help others sitting in the same roller coaster of funk I did for years.  So buckle up and go within. 

I like to think of myself as a very outgoing, outspoken, fun, energetic, bubbly, loving, and caring person. I also think I’m funny but my husband may have a different view. I always wanted others to be happy, even at my expense. I have always been a “fixer” in life trying to help solve world problems. Ok, maybe just those who were in my world. I hated to see others hurt and was probably a little more truthful than asked. Most of the time I didn’t take shit from anybody and told it like it was. Which I now see is frowned upon as most of us don’t like to have things pointed out, but love to point. I have had relationships, friends, and family come and go throughout the years. Many I held onto for far too long. 

I never realized the hurt I was causing myself by trying to make these relationships work. I now see how I shut down in order to keep the peace. I would apologize for things I should have received apologies for. I hid my true hurt because I was fearful of losing these people. I would go out of my way to prove my worth, without even knowing it. I was giving it my all, but I was giving it to the wrong people. I allowed others' behaviors to sink my ship just so they could float, creating more hurt in my life. Giving advice in my world always came with attachments. I was either labeled as a know it all, seen as a competitor, one upper, or discredited for my advice in some form or fashion leaving resentment, anger, or frustration swirling around. 

These patterns continued throughout my life. I would shut people out only to open right back up becoming close to family, friends,or guys. I would make memories, share life stories, dreams, and create laughter. As for my friendships, they were great with 1:1 time but when it came to being in groups it was almost like we were in a ring competing with one another. I found myself being left behind little by little. The conversation would exclude me, the party invitations would get lost, and the chatter behind my back were like sharp knives. Similar situations would unfold with family and relationships. When I finally had enough of being quiet I would speak up. But my feelings were always overlooked. I was called a bitch, jealous, insecure, not a good friend, thought of as better than. Continuing to leave me feeling even more deflated. 

I never could understand. Why was I not enough? Why was it that I could give my all in relationships but always fell on the wrong side of the fence? Y’all this has literally happened since I was in grade school and always wondered, why? I promised myself I would never engage with people who didn’t value me for me. Who couldn’t take my advice for what it was, advice, and see me for me. I feel like I had found that for a few years. But  little did I know this pattern would follow me. I had the biggest ah ha moment when my sister asked, “why do you keep attracting people who keep doing this to you? What are you not learning?” 

Y’all it hit me like a ton of bricks. That’s it! I am to learn a lesson from these patterns. It’s not the people that are hurting me, it’s me that is hurting me. I was allowing others to mistreat me all while begging for their approval. WHAT IN THE  HELL WAS I THINKING? I realized that by not sticking up for myself or walking away I continued to invite hurt into my life. I held onto dying relationships trying to prove my worth. All while there were others who knew my worth sitting in the background. I was dimming my light for what? 

I decided I was no longer allowing others to silence me with their judgements or false definition of my character. I will not feel left out, talked about, judged, or defined by others. I am going to be me, because being me is who I am most comfortable being, and if I have to prove to anyone who I am I’m out.  So here I am, a woman who is so compassionate and loving that I want all to succeed, even those who don’t want me to. I love to dance, be completely silly, and make true memories filled with laughter, fun, and zero judgment. I love to heal, read, write, workout, create, and dream big. I am no longer in need of approval from anyone else. I open my heart to those who have allowed me to shine my light without question.

 I want to also thank those of you who have shown me the way to healing. It was my lack of confidence of knowing who I was as well as lack of self worth that kept me in pain, not you. I now see that I am worthy of love and respect from all. I send you all so much love and hope that you too can heal as well one day.  Man it feels so good to accept me for me.

Are you wearing a mask to please or prove yourself to others?

Are you wearing a mask to please or prove yourself to others? 

Years ago this question would have most likely triggered something within me to become defensive, shut down, or possibly turn the tables on the person asking the question. It was not until I dove into my own spiritual healing practice that I was able to discover so many masks that camouflage themselves so comfortably within my being. Without my conscious knowledge I would go within my energetic closet and pick a mask as if I was getting dressed for the day. Looking back I visualize my subconscious mind glaring in a closet filled with multiple hats hanging on the wall? I see myself glancing at them while asking…

Who did I have to show up as today? 

Who is everyone expecting?

How could I make everyone like me? 

Is this mask enough?

Does this match this person’s energy?

Will they reject this mask?

Will this mask make him stay?

Maybe this mask will make him see me as attractive?

No, this mask will allow her to know I am not competing against her!

I will 100% fit in with this one!

I can remember getting dressed and thinking similar thoughts but thought this was normal. I thought that by creating these images of me I was fitting in this world just as I was created to. But man was I wrong! By picking these masks I was fitting in all right. I created anxiety, depression, conflict, and chaos in my world, all the while asking myself, why? I could never figure out why the same situations, types of people, and emotions would come full circle over and over again. I can now see the cycles and patterns that I was living in. I was on a merry go round with the same shit. I would see different sites here and there, as I attempted to “heal”. I went to traditional counseling and barely cracked open the baggage that needed to be unpacked. (Please know I am not discrediting traditional counseling. It was where I first began this journey at a young age and what got me through. It’s where I recognized the change I needed; it was so necessary for my healing journey.) 

After saying yes to exploring more I began to unpack my suitcase throwing out each mask that I did not resonate with. I began to shine through little by little until I was cracked wide open; wearing the mask that fit me best, mine! I realized my early journey was filled with searching and trying to please others, while my journey now is filled with going within and trying to please myself. My happiness is created within me. I no longer have to search this energetic closet to see which mask I should wear. I now wear the one that fits just right. There are times I need to remind myself of the nasty pattern and behaviors mask sorting can bring to my life. I take the time to reflect on my happiness and create from this space. I realized that when I am happy, happiness is created in all aspects of my life. As like attracts like. I encourage you to sit with yourself to see which one size fits all masks you are holding in your energetic closet. Who are you “trying” to be rather just be yourself. Ask yourself, is this bringing me closer to me, or further apart? Begin to create yourself from the inside out, not the opposite. For when you search outward you lose yourself within the masks of others. Begin to heal and set yourself free. It truly is a beautiful place. 

If you are ready to dive in and begin removing these masks head to my website to book your discovery call. I have opened 3 1:1 coaching spots this month, and I am looking forward to helping these beautiful souls heal from the inside out. 

Listening to your body's needs

I know many of you are starting the New Year with a new healthy lifestyle and I am so excited to join you. In years past I would start a new diet, exercise program, and restrict myself from all the things I thought I loved.

Well, this year is a bit different. This past year I really started honoring what my body was craving, through nutrition and movement. I became mostly vegetarian, but would eat seafood here and there. I began training for a half marathon, which is a goal I would love to achieve. It was towards the end of the year that it all fell apart. I sprained my ankle 2 weeks before the half marathon which was a really long recovery. I wanted to push through it but my body was a hard no, not even allowing me to walk long distances, (my body totally knows I am hard headed). I shifted focus and gave my body more meditation and yoga during this healing process. In December I came down with a cough and towards the tail end I was worried it was becoming pneumonia. Let me disclose here, I am in the medical field, but it takes me a really long time to seek medical attention. My body does not like medicine.I typically try the holistic route which usually works. This time I had to start medications, as I was not ready to go into the hospital. 

Can I tell you my body hated every minute of the medications. I became bloated, tired, upset stomach, and joint pain. No it was not COVID. To this day my body is not back on track, and like I said before, in past years I would be starting a new program and diet because it’s a new year. This year I am listening to my body. I am going deeper into honoring its needs. I will call in my  nutrition and movement intuitively giving my body what it is calling for. I am open  and accept all suggestions to getting my gut back in order after antibiotics.

This is going to be my health and fitness goals this year, to honor what is mine. To honor what makes me feel good.

What is your health goal for this new year?