You may not be for everyone but you sure are for you

You may not be for everyone but you sure are for you. 

Throughout the years of learning and understanding energy work I have been able to awaken to so much in my personal life. I share this story with you in hopes to help others sitting in the same roller coaster of funk I did for years.  So buckle up and go within. 

I like to think of myself as a very outgoing, outspoken, fun, energetic, bubbly, loving, and caring person. I also think I’m funny but my husband may have a different view. I always wanted others to be happy, even at my expense. I have always been a “fixer” in life trying to help solve world problems. Ok, maybe just those who were in my world. I hated to see others hurt and was probably a little more truthful than asked. Most of the time I didn’t take shit from anybody and told it like it was. Which I now see is frowned upon as most of us don’t like to have things pointed out, but love to point. I have had relationships, friends, and family come and go throughout the years. Many I held onto for far too long. 

I never realized the hurt I was causing myself by trying to make these relationships work. I now see how I shut down in order to keep the peace. I would apologize for things I should have received apologies for. I hid my true hurt because I was fearful of losing these people. I would go out of my way to prove my worth, without even knowing it. I was giving it my all, but I was giving it to the wrong people. I allowed others' behaviors to sink my ship just so they could float, creating more hurt in my life. Giving advice in my world always came with attachments. I was either labeled as a know it all, seen as a competitor, one upper, or discredited for my advice in some form or fashion leaving resentment, anger, or frustration swirling around. 

These patterns continued throughout my life. I would shut people out only to open right back up becoming close to family, friends,or guys. I would make memories, share life stories, dreams, and create laughter. As for my friendships, they were great with 1:1 time but when it came to being in groups it was almost like we were in a ring competing with one another. I found myself being left behind little by little. The conversation would exclude me, the party invitations would get lost, and the chatter behind my back were like sharp knives. Similar situations would unfold with family and relationships. When I finally had enough of being quiet I would speak up. But my feelings were always overlooked. I was called a bitch, jealous, insecure, not a good friend, thought of as better than. Continuing to leave me feeling even more deflated. 

I never could understand. Why was I not enough? Why was it that I could give my all in relationships but always fell on the wrong side of the fence? Y’all this has literally happened since I was in grade school and always wondered, why? I promised myself I would never engage with people who didn’t value me for me. Who couldn’t take my advice for what it was, advice, and see me for me. I feel like I had found that for a few years. But  little did I know this pattern would follow me. I had the biggest ah ha moment when my sister asked, “why do you keep attracting people who keep doing this to you? What are you not learning?” 

Y’all it hit me like a ton of bricks. That’s it! I am to learn a lesson from these patterns. It’s not the people that are hurting me, it’s me that is hurting me. I was allowing others to mistreat me all while begging for their approval. WHAT IN THE  HELL WAS I THINKING? I realized that by not sticking up for myself or walking away I continued to invite hurt into my life. I held onto dying relationships trying to prove my worth. All while there were others who knew my worth sitting in the background. I was dimming my light for what? 

I decided I was no longer allowing others to silence me with their judgements or false definition of my character. I will not feel left out, talked about, judged, or defined by others. I am going to be me, because being me is who I am most comfortable being, and if I have to prove to anyone who I am I’m out.  So here I am, a woman who is so compassionate and loving that I want all to succeed, even those who don’t want me to. I love to dance, be completely silly, and make true memories filled with laughter, fun, and zero judgment. I love to heal, read, write, workout, create, and dream big. I am no longer in need of approval from anyone else. I open my heart to those who have allowed me to shine my light without question.

 I want to also thank those of you who have shown me the way to healing. It was my lack of confidence of knowing who I was as well as lack of self worth that kept me in pain, not you. I now see that I am worthy of love and respect from all. I send you all so much love and hope that you too can heal as well one day.  Man it feels so good to accept me for me.