How to Handle Child Behavior Challenges: Beyond the Tantrums
OK Mommas, Let’s Talk Tantrums: How to Support Our Kids (and Keep Our Sanity!)
We’ve all been there: the meltdown at the grocery store, the standoff over bedtime, or the epic showdown over a plate of broccoli. It’s easy to label these moments as “tantrums,” but doing so sometimes makes it harder to understand what’s really going on and how to best support our kiddos.
As a child who was often silenced and labeled, I didn’t learn the skills to process big emotions. This lack of support followed me into adulthood, leading to anxiety, stress, and uncertainty in situations where I didn’t know how to make the best decisions. Now, as a momma myself, I see firsthand the challenge of handling my kids’ big emotions—especially when they trigger my own! It’s so easy to react with frustration, to yell, or to respond in ways I know don’t help.
But here’s what I’ve learned along my journey of healing and personal growth: if we can start seeing these so-called “tantrums” as a form of communication, we open the door to understanding our kids better. They’re often expressing frustration, overwhelm, or unmet needs—the same things that sometimes lead us as adults to feel anxious or stressed.
I want to share some tools I’ve picked up along the way that have helped me support my kids through their big feelings (and help me manage mine too!). And just so we’re clear—this isn’t one of those “Instagram-perfect” parenting stories. I’m learning and failing right alongside my kids, and I’m open with them about my journey. I apologize when I’m wrong and model that I’m a work in progress too. So, let’s dive into some strategies that can help us respond in ways that support our children’s growth and preserve our sanity.
1. Understand the “Why” Behind the Behavior
Kids act out for various reasons, and it’s rarely just to “be difficult.” They might be tired, hungry, overstimulated, or dealing with feelings they don’t yet know how to handle. Imagine how we feel after a stressful day—kids are experiencing similar emotions but lack the skills to process them.
Tip: Try saying something like, “It looks like you’re really frustrated right now. Can you tell me what’s going on?” Acknowledging their feelings helps them feel seen and begins to teach them how to identify and name their emotions.
2. Stay Calm and Model Emotional Regulation
When faced with intense emotions, it’s natural to feel our own stress rise. But kids look to us for cues on how to react. Staying calm teaches them that big feelings can be managed without yelling or lashing out.
Try This: Take a deep breath or step away briefly to collect yourself before responding. At home, we call it my “reset button.” Some days, that button feels jammed, and the yell just comes out. But it’s not about being perfect; it’s about doing our best to model calm behavior.
3. Set Boundaries with Compassion
Kids need structure and boundaries to feel safe and secure. Saying “no” is fine, but how you say it matters. Setting limits with empathy shows that you care about their feelings while also holding to healthy boundaries.
Example: Instead of “Stop yelling and behave!” try, “I see that you’re upset about not getting that toy. We can talk about it, but yelling won’t change my decision.” This response validates their feelings while reinforcing acceptable behavior.
I grew up feeling unheard and unsupported, often told to just “deal with it.” So, I promised myself my kids would feel seen in their emotions. I’ll admit, I used to try to control everything, hovering over every little detail of their behavior. But I’ve learned that trying to control doesn’t prepare them for real life. They need to feel their emotions, with guidance on how to process them, not just be told to “stop.”
4. Provide Choices to Give Them Control
Kids often feel powerless, which adds to their frustration. Giving them a choice can reduce resistance and give them a healthy sense of control.
Suggestion: Offer two acceptable choices, like “Would you like to put on your pajamas first or brush your teeth first?” Even small choices make them feel empowered and less likely to act out.
5. Teach Healthy Coping Skills
Helping kids develop emotional resilience is much more effective than just trying to smooth things over in the moment. Teach simple strategies like deep breathing, counting, or expressing feelings through drawing or talking.
Practice Together: At home, we ask the kids to take a few breaths and step away in another room when they need a break. I want them to learn to calm themselves, rather than feeling out of control. This skill will stay with them long after they leave the nest.
6. Reflect on Your Own Reactions and Expectations
Our own expectations and triggers play a huge role in how we respond to our kids’ behavior. Taking a moment to reflect on where our reactions come from can help us approach challenging moments with more patience and empathy.
7. Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection
Parenting and child development are both journeys, and progress is worth celebrating. Acknowledging when your child tries a new coping skill or calms down on their own encourages them to keep learning and growing.
Tip: A simple, “I’m so proud of how you handled your feelings today” can make them feel seen and reinforce positive behavior. Over time, these affirmations build their confidence and help them trust their ability to manage tough emotions.
Remember: You’re Not Alone
Every mom faces challenges guiding her little ones through life’s ups and downs. Tantrums are a normal part of growing up and learning about emotions, and handling them in a supportive way doesn’t just help in the moment—it builds a foundation for emotional intelligence, resilience, and self-awareness. So, the next time those tough moments come, remember that you’re not alone and that you’re building something beautiful, one calm, compassionate choice at a time.
Calming Toolkit for Parents and Kids
4x4x4 Breathing Exercise
A simple, quick way to calm down is the 4x4x4 breathing technique:
Inhale deeply for a count of 4.
Hold your breath for a count of 4.
Exhale slowly for a count of 4.
Repeat this cycle several times to help activate the body’s relaxation response and reduce stress.
Essential Oils for Calm (link to my favorite oils for kids)
Essential oils like lavender, chamomile, and frankincense are known for their calming properties.
How to use: Diffuse a few drops in the air, or add to a roller with a carrier oil to apply to the wrists or the back of the neck.
Kid-friendly option: Create a “calming spray” with water and a few drops of lavender to mist around the room or on a pillow before bedtime.
Calming Music or White Noise
Playing soft, calming music or white noise can help create a soothing environment.
You might try nature sounds, instrumental music, or specific children’s playlists designed to help kids relax.
Tip: Use music to create a “calm-down corner” in your home where kids can go when they need a break.
“Reset Walk” to Regulate the Nervous System
Sometimes a change of scenery and a bit of fresh air can make all the difference.
A short walk, even around the yard or block, can help both you and your child reset and come back to the situation with a fresh perspective.
Bonus: Walking outdoors has the added benefit of helping the central nervous system relax, reducing stress levels naturally.
Grounding Exercise
When emotions are high, grounding can help reconnect to the present moment. Try this simple grounding exercise:
5 Things you can see
4 Things you can touch
3 Things you can hear
2 Things you can smell
1 Thing you can taste
This exercise is especially helpful for kids because it shifts their focus from overwhelming emotions to their immediate surroundings.
Sensory-Friendly Tools
Sometimes, big emotions need a hands-on release. Here are a few ideas:
Calm jars (filled with water, glitter, and a few drops of dish soap)
Squeeze balls for releasing energy
Fidget toys that can help provide a distraction
These tools give kids a constructive way to manage their feelings, which can be especially useful during moments of frustration or boredom.
Body “Shake Out”
Shaking out the body can help release pent-up energy and tension.
Set a timer for 1-2 minutes and let your child (and you!) shake their whole body: arms, legs, head, shoulders, everything! It’s fun, and it helps to physically release the tension that’s often behind emotional outbursts.
Create a Calm-Down Corner
Designate a quiet area in your home as a “calm-down corner” where your child can go when they feel overwhelmed. Stock it with comfy pillows, a favorite stuffed animal, calming books, and sensory-friendly tools.
Tip: Spend a few minutes in the calm-down corner with your child to teach them that taking a break is okay and that they’re not alone.